Eight and a Half Ways to Effectively Write a Bad Article

effectively write a poor articleWriting an article that sends your readers to sleep has never been easier in this high-speed, electronic age. The ease with which you can create, edit, and make your unimaginative writing available for mass human consumption is frightening. You just need to know a few simple tricks. But be warned: if you spend too much time worrying about how, what, where, and when you should write, the results could be quite interesting.

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Picture of the number oneNever Plan Ahead

Occasionally an idea will strike you down like lightning, leaving you almost quivering with excitement. No other human being has ever thought of writing about this topic. You don’t even have to spend a second searching the internet to verify its originality. Simply write, write, write, without the constricting nature of a “structure.” Get this baby out of your genius mind immediately and into a lucky word processor. Speed is critical; talent is no friend of procrastination.

Picture of the number twoA Good Idea Is Worth Repeating

You didn’t spend all that time at college nurturing your intellectual psyche to throw away your words of wisdom in a single sentence. If an observation is worth making, wallow in its profundity by reiterating its fundamental message in successive sentences, and even subsequent paragraphs. The reader could have the misfortune to misconstrue your meaning, or, even worse, forget what you wrote. Remember the three Rs: repetition, repetition, repetition.

Picture of the number threeSize Matters

The length of your article is a good indicator of how much time and effort you have spent crafting your piece. Therefore, the longer your article is, the more interesting it will be. You must constantly check the number of words you have written so that you know whether or not to congratulate yourself. Succinct prose is for wimps.

Picture of the number fourBuy A Thesaurus

Then use it. Expedient vocabulary employment is at the heart of advantageous transcription. Luxuriate in the scrotum of philology.

Picture of the number fiveWrite for Yourself

We should write for ourselves, not for others. The style and validity of your work can only be truly judged by you. Thinking constantly of an imaginary “reader” will only blunt your writing sword. If the “reader” fails to comprehend your meaning, it’s probably because he’s stupid.

Picture of the number sixKeywords Are Necessary

Contemporary writers know that having the correct keyword density is paramount to the SEO of an article. You can sacrifice readability for the sake of keyword density. A high keyword density of certain words is only a burden to those who don’t understand keywords. Or density.

Grammar Gets in the Way of Good Writing

Writers must learn to evolve in tandem with modern culture. When the electrical telegraph was invented, most people did not understand Morse code; consequently, the telephone was invented. The majority of the population does not understand grammar; therefore, texting was invented. Grammar was invented by old, bearded men who had too much time on their hands. Try not to be bound by its draconian laws. As soon as you break free from its shackles, your writing will soar.

Picture of the number eightIf you can think, you can write

Just remember the basic rules. Your unplanned article can be long and wordy. If you need a longer article, repeat yourself. And don’t worry about grammar or the “reader.” Using correct grammar is not yet a law in any state, and readers are not certified police officers who can arrest you for owning a boring article. Calmly proceed with your next pointless piece.

One more paltry tip: there is nothing wrong with your article concluding abruptly.